Leading while grieving: 3 pearls of wisdom when the personal and professional mix

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life...as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed” - Booker T. Washington

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend, a social entrepreneur, and someone I’ve coached, about an experience I’ve witnessed among many social leaders. Very much a high achiever, she started to explain a loss she experienced in her life. I knew she experienced this loss but I never heard her talk about it in this way with me. Since she’s my friend, her loss is a by-product loss for me too. Although very traumatic, we talked about how powerful the gift of coaching was to her and about what her story of loss could teach the Leading Lavishly community. 

As she shared this story with me through her tears, she reminded me of enduring wisdom that I regularly remind my community - their professional narratives reflect their inner and outer lives - personally and professionally. 

With permission from this friend, I’ll share 3 pearls of wisdom on what my social entrepreneur friend learned about Leading Lavishly.

Spontaneous growth. Her conflict and ultimate loss spontaneously grew her personal and professional capacities. She told me that although she discussed this same issue of grief with her hairdresser just the other day. Although a bit differently with the hairdresser than me, she talked about how grief strategies made her the person she is now and helped her with her life purpose: timeless strategies. She said to me that she felt during the time of the loss like her emotions were ripping from the inside out. After the initial shock, she took a gap year. Along with many coaching sessions later, she became a new professional and personal being.  

Unknowns, although hard, are part of the journey. She went on to tell me that it was hard for her to explain her loss because of so many of the unknown why’s of her loss. She told me that explaining the unknown was hard because they sparked feelings of sadness and confusion. She realizes that she probably will never know the “why’s” and the unknowns still spark grief. I tell my students and clients that grieving the unknown helps with all kinds of personal and professional losses. A timely message for what’s going on in the world now.  

Our inner word is our rock. My friend was looking for outside approval and happiness from the source until that source was gone. She’s evolved since. Outside sources (job, neighborhood, marriage, relationships, empty nest, etc) are circumstances, but you and the circumstance will never evolve unless you work on your inner world. Her story reminded me of, in my work with leaders that, while they are high-achievers and receive professional high marks, they still feel the need to grow somehow. Many think it is because they need to switch job-roles, professions, or even end their marriage, but they never end up finding the feeling they’re looking for because they start their search with the externals. So instead of leading outside of themselves- I have them begin their next life iteration by leading from the inside out. Because of her loss story, I thank my friend for this reminder. 

Coaching helped my friend realize that she could not change what she lost - for it was gone - but all she could do was show up in her professional and personal life as the best version of herself she could. She was going to grieve her loss no matter what she’d done, but in coaching, she learned to understand how to be at peace with her life long grief. Coaching is the gift that keeps on giving. I’m grateful she’s my friend, her 3 pearls of wisdom, and she gave me the gift of coaching her.